A piece I wrote for Be Bold or Go Home, my blog for Adoptive Families Circle, called An Ugly Conversation, recently got picked up by Huffington Post, where it's generating a steaming pile of negative comments.
In case you missed the post, here's the gist: My Ethiopian son turned 10 last month, and I took him out for a special birthday lunch. When the couple at the next table started talking loudly about the Trayvon Martin case, I wondered if the sight of my big-for-his-age African son had prompted their conversation; it certainly felt that way, though of course I couldn't prove it.
The couple had every right to discuss a prominent criminal case in public, BUT they only picked up the topic once I was in the restroom and my son was left sitting alone next to them. I felt incredibly upset at the time, perhaps because the encounter was so unexpected; generally, our family moves about the world without incident, but for some reason, maternal alarm bells went off for me in that restaurant. Although I've always had an intellectual understanding that some people are going to view my son strictly through a racial lens, that particular day I felt it more deeply than I ever have before. But was it all in my head?
The majority of HuffPost commenters thought so, to say the least. Here's a sampling of their reactions:
Hey Sharon, if you OVERHEAR a conversation between two people about the topic of "time", do you assume that conversation started because they noticed you wearing a wristwatch?
If you are afraid of what you might hear in public. Don't go out. Or better why not use this as a learning experice why not tell you son what happen an tell him if he is ever in the same situation. To hang up with you girl friend call the police and start running till you get home.
Everything in this world is not about race! We have a mixed family - thank goodness we aren't "race watchers." We don't go looking for "those racists."
I believe that you went out that day looking for something to write about and since the child didn't want oreo ice cream, you invented a story about the restaurant. BTW, why didn't you adopt a child from the United States?
I despise the way liberals LOOK TO BE offended
You my dear just "profiled" a white couple for their views, and they were innocently sitting there having a conversation. Get a grip.
How do you even function because if something like this upsets you so much I can't imagine you not being afraid to go into public for fear of a nervous breakdown. You should get a psychiatric evalution.
If you think it would be such a horrible blow for your son if Trayvon Martin did provoke the altercation, you better start teaching him differently right now. The vast majority of black murder victims are murdered by other black people, and sooner or later, your son will find that out.
I don't know what the writer expected when she adopted a child so different from her.
Don't worry, the HuffPost comments haven't left me sobbing in a darkened room. While it's possible that I am little thin-skinned when it comes to my kids, when it comes to myself and my writing, I'm tough. Some of the commenters made me see where I could've done a better job describing the experience so more readers would get it, BUT the bottom line is, I'm out in public with my son every day, and 98% of the time I don't get a bad feeling from strangers the way I did that day in the restaurant; this experience was different. Was it different because the woman seated next to us had unfriendly feelings toward my black son, or was I just in an extra sensitive mood at the time? Or both?
That combination of potent discomfort and uncertainty about what really happened (i.e. am I crazy?) is at the heart of microaggression. I have to thank writer, adoptee and adoptive mom Jillian Lauren for introducing me to this concept on her blog in this post. I've since learned that the term was coined by American psychiatrist Chester M. Pierce to describe these kinds of racialized experiences:
“brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of other races.”
An article on the American Psychcological Association website describes microaggressions as racism so subtle that:
"neither victim nor perpetrator may entirely understand what is going on."
The microaggression concept has been extended in the psychiatric world to slights based also on gender, sexual orientation or disability. The Microaggressions Project offers a look at the hostility that's out there on its Tumblr. If you're an adoptive parent, an adoptee or a parent who placed a child for adoption, you've probably experienced your share of microaggression on the adoption front. The much talked about adoption "joke" in the recent film The Avengers is one example. Some took offense, others argued it was no big deal.
I'll never know if I misinterepreted the actions of that couple in the restaurant on my son's birthday, but one thing I know for sure: microaggression is alive and well in the HuffPost comments section.
It's too bad that you seem to miss the point of some of the more thoughtful criticisms to your article "An Ugly Conversation." No, instead of considering what these people had to say, you once again cast blame, this time accusing people of being micro-aggressive, which doesn't even really make sense considering the definition you supplied.
“An Ugly Conversation” is problematic on several levels. Just starting with the title alone, you have failed to show how the conversation at issue was ugly. Further, you talk about “what happened” and the “shock and pain” but the fact is that nothing really happened, at least not the way you explained it. If you can’t put into words what happened, and why you felt the way you did, then don’t expect people to trust you as a reliable narrator. You’ve got to be able to explain “it”, rather than to just explain your reaction to “it”. If you don’t explain “it” you come off sounding self-centered, unhinged, over-reactive, histrionic, and really, out of your depth, especially as a white parent trying to raise a black child.
From your telling, I just can’t see how your pain could be so great from this interaction—if it can even be called an interaction. If your pain is so great from this, how on earth are you going to handle real and overt racism? How? I mean, are you thinking about this stuff for the first time??
Do yourself and your son a favor and don’t invent a problem in a particular situation where there isn’t one, and if there is a problem, don’t make it a bigger deal than it really is. And if there is a problem that you see but your son is oblivious too, don’t bring your own confused feelings to bear on your son. Give him a break. As parents, we all need to talk with our kids about things like racism and violence, and other unhappy topics. That’s just a fact of life. So, instead of freaking out, instead of creating false choices in your head—such as: do I ruin his birthday or act like it never happened—talk with your child, figure it out…but don’t freak out. By freaking out and getting unnecessarily bent out of shape, for something even you can’t seem to put your finger on, you will not be helping him. You will be confusing him.
I’ve personally always cared a great deal about race issues. Yet, I found your article so irritating and at some points, highly offensive. You make so many assumptions about people you don’t even know. You assume that they are judging your son because he is black, while you fail to recognize that you are judging these people because they are white. But not only do you assume things about the people you sat next to, you assume so much about your readers—that they will agree with you no matter what you say, that they will agree with you even though what you’ve described is a non-occurrence, that they will agree with you about the self-defense issue in the TM case, even though all the facts aren’t out. So many assumptions on your part…
What’s more, it reads like you never even considered that your black child will have to deal with racist people. It’s almost like it just occurred to you, which is offensive—because if you’re going to raise a black child in America, I would certainly hope that you would have considered these issues beforehand. Your freaking out at what otherwise seems like a non-occurrence is really, really off-putting – and it reeks of self-imposed victim mentality, a victim mentality you will no doubt impose on your child. Please don’t do that. Race is a serious issue, and it shouldn’t be toyed with. Furthermore, do you want to teach your son to overreact to racism, or do you want to teach him how to deal with it so that he can maintain strong self-esteem and a power to deal with low-life racists.
Whatever happened, it seems clear that either you really failed to capture the essence of “it” or nothing really happened at all and “it” was all in your head. For the most part, it reads like you were doing the prejudging, that you were the one with the hostile feelings. You have said virtually nothing to show that these people were racist. That the couple changed their topic of conversation when you happened to go to the bathroom is no evidence whatsoever that they were racist. Everybody is talking about this incident.
And furthermore, just because people take note of you when you arrive does not mean that they do so with hostility. Unless you are a mind reader, perhaps you should give people the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst. People are nasty in public all the time, people have bad attitudes, people are jerks who don’t want anybody to be seated next to them. Some people are just plain difficult and unpleasant and impossible to please. And yes, some people are racists, but to arrive at the conclusion that someone is racist, you need MORE than a conversation about Travyon Martin that happened to start when you went to the bathroom, a conversation that is on virtually everybody’s mind. How you connect those dots I cannot understand and you have failed to explain.
Bottom line is that you received the negative comments because the article deserved it. Had you made the case that these people were actually racist, or that they did something racist to you or your son, then I'm sure the comments would have been much different. But you didn't make that case. Rather, you made a bunch of assumptions and expected the reader to join along. Not fair on your part to chalk up the anger and negativety to microagression, as you do, instead of looking to where you failed to effectively tell the story, if the story even exists.
Posted by: John M. | June 18, 2012 at 11:31 PM
Hi John,
Thanks for taking time to read my posts and write such a lengthy comment -- you obviously feel passionately about this. If you reread what I've written here, I admitted that the HuffPost comments did show me that I could've done a better job of describing what happened so more readers would get it. That said, many of the comments were examples of microaggression, like the one above suggesting I teach my son that most black people are killed by other black people -- what exactly is the point of that statement anyway?
I'm not sure how I could've made the case that these people were "really" racist to the satisfaction of all readers -- some people can deny racism in the most obvious of circumstances. I can only say that 98% of the time, people notice our family and then are either friendly or just ignore us; in this case, I sensed discomfort on the part of the woman in the restaurant, and that in turn made me highly uncomfortable. I stand by my sense that she saw a large black boy and felt prompted to talk about the Trayvon Martin case -- and talk about Trayvon as a threatening figure in the story.
Posted by: Sharon | June 19, 2012 at 11:15 AM
I just want to add, that day in the restaurant was the ONLY time I've encountered anyone anywhere talking about the Trayvon Martin case (other than news reports and blog commenters.)
Posted by: Sharon | June 19, 2012 at 11:21 AM
The fact that you’ve never heard people talking about the Travyon Martin case does not mean that they are not. I think it’s a safe assumption that people talk with each other about prominent national news stories, this one included. To think that people aren’t talking about it simply because you have not heard them talking about it is questionable logic.
Race is a touchy issue for many people, obviously. A lot of people take issue with someone claiming racism and then not supporting the claim. Others may take issue with someone making a big deal out of what they perceive to be a barely perceptible slight. As you have indicated, even you are not absolutely sure what happened, and you were there!
You may be correct that this couple was racist. Some people are racist. And, of course, you have a right to be upset and offended by racist attitudes and behaviors. Certainly it is upsetting. I think the important thing is how we react to the racism or bigotry we encounter and not to let such ignorance get the best of us. By getting so upset over these so-called micro-aggressions, we teach our kids that these people have a certain kind of power over us. And, if we let our kids see us get so upset—which I’m not saying you did—we acknowledge, in some small way, that this person’s opinion has some sort of value, when it doesn’t.
As far as the person who commented about black-on-black homicides, this may or may not be of particular concern to you depending on where you live. I think I understand where he is coming from, even if he is missing the point. Racial profiling is a problem, but it not the only problem, and its not the biggest problem. There are huge problems but somehow these types of cases, that are infrequent by comparison, take center stage and receive all the media attention, and all the community outrage, while the horrendous statistics on black-on-black violent crime are swept under the rug.
If you live in an area where black-on-black violence is a huge problem, as it is in many places across the country, then you would be remiss not to discuss, at some point, some of these realities with your son.
Posted by: John M. | June 20, 2012 at 12:59 AM
Hi again John,
Of course I understand that people are talking about the Trayvon Martin case, but given that the only time I've personally encountered anyone discussing it was when I was out with my son, it adds to my suspicion that looking at him was the trigger for that particular conversation. It's not a story like the O.J. Simpson trial or 9/11 or Columbine that EVERYONE is talking about. The last news story a stranger brought up to me was the Lance Armstrong doping scandal -- another big story, but hardly on everyone's radar. I don't think the Trayvon Martin story is really on everyone's radar either.
Throwing out black-on-black crime in this context is a microaggression, for its a point that's been used historically to dismiss concern about racially-motivated crimes against blacks by people of other races. According to the Miami Herald, 84% of murders of whites are committed by other whites; do white people need to make this point to their children that their in danger from people of their own race in order to protect/educate them?
http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/04/11/2743253/dont-white-people-kill-each-other.html
Posted by: Sharon | June 20, 2012 at 08:29 AM
As parents we should educate our kids about the risks they are exposed to, regardless of where that risk comes from. It's not an either/or proposition.
I didn't mean to suggest that you should discuss with your son black on black crime, per se. That was never my argument. Ultimately, violent crime is violent crime. Rather, I meant to suggest that parents have a responsibility to discuss with their children the threats they are exposed to, the nature of those threats and how to avoid them.
Thanks for the Miami Herald opinion piece. It makes interesting points. I don't agree with all of it, particularly the author's failure to address the ratios - ratios that can be used to undermine some of his argument - but I will certainly explore further.
Posted by: John M. | June 20, 2012 at 01:11 PM