Whatever Things Are True: the Good, the Bad and the Beautiful in the World of International Adoption

Time's Breastfeeding Mom is Also an Adoptive Mom

Of course she is.

 

Apparently the beautiful blonde Madonna nursing her (biological) toddler on this week's cover of Time is also the adoptive mother of an young Ethiopian son. Jamie Lynne Grumet, 26, is an attachment parenting advocate who also blogs about life in a transracial family at her blog, I Am Not the Babysitter. That provocative cover shot has so many people talking and kvetching that her site is crashing, but you can visit her blog's Facebook page here.

I'm sure Jamie Lynn is a lovely woman and great mother, but I'll confess, I groaned a few minutes ago when I heard she's also parenting transracially. I predict it won't be long before attacks about her adoption (entitlement) get stirred into the frenzy of criticism around that cover shot.

It will get ugly.

And then she will get a book deal.

UPDATE:

Time has posted a Q & A with Ms.Grumet. Here's what she has to say about breatfeeding her adopted Ethiopian son:

We were able to bring our son home in November 2010. I know so many amazing women who have induced their lactation, but I had milk [from feeding my biological son]. I had one of the easier situations as far as adoptive breast-feeding is concerned, but it was considered extended breast-feeding. And it was transracial. And he was adopted. I was ready for attack as soon as I posted one of the pictures [on my blog].

Being able to give him that [comfort] with the trauma that he faced was really, really important to me. But I didn’t realize how much it would help my attachment to him. When his English improved, because the connection was there, he didn’t do it as much. So now he’ll do it maybe once a month.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/05/10/q-a-with-jamie-lynne-grumet/#ixzz1uZnttnk5

 

 

Celebrity Adoptive Parents and the PR Machine

 

You've heard the criticisms. Perhaps some of you out there have even made them: Celebrities adopt children from China and Africa as trendy accessories. They adopt because American kids aren't good enough. Or skinny screen goddesses adopt to preserve their perfect, surgically-enhanced figures. In fact, adoption is a rank expression of narcissism. And us regular folks who adopt internationally? We're guilty of it all, plus pathetically trying to be like Angelina.

Although I don't buy into the slurs, I have to confess, my favorite celebrity parents are the ones who keep their children out of the spotlight. For example, did you know that actor Ewan McGregor has an adopted daughter from Mongolia? Probably not. Then again, as famous as young Obi-Wan Kenobi may be, he can fly under the radar more easily than a mega-star parent like Madonna. You can't always tell who's being hounded by the paparazzi vs. who's courting them vs. whose kid isn't in the magazine because mom is no longer a hot tabloid commodity, but when I suspect that a celebrity is using her adopted child as a publicity ploy, it makes me uncomfortable on multiple levels. I don't like to feel judgmental about someone when I'm in no position to know the truth of their situation. I also don't want to see a child exploited, and more often than not, celebrity parenting stories just rub me the wrong way (even when they're not about adoption.)

Which brings me to actress Katherine Heigl. While I'm not a huge fan of her work, I love that she's one of those rare stars who speaks without a filter and frequently sticks her foot in her mouth. She may lean obnoxious at times, but she's always candid and never canned. She and her husband, singer-songwriter Josh Kelley, adopted their daughter Naleigh from South Korea in 2009. Heigl has been outspoken about the adoption, sharing that her wish to adopt a child was driven by the fact that her older sister, Meg, was also adopted from South Korea. Given that personal, lifelong connection to adoption, I've never had the sense that Heigl was milking her parenthood for publicity -- until I heard she and Kelley had opted to make their daughter the star of his latest music video.

I was prepared to hate the video for "Naleigh Moon" -- until I watched it. The song is a sweet homage to fatherhood, and suffused with love. In this brave new world of social media, where the Facebook timeline begins at birth, every parent, adoptive or not, is now forced to make tough choices about way they represent their children in media. I personally choose not to put my adopted children's images publicly on line; I think I would have made the same choice for biological children if I'd had them. Others feel differently. Some parents share out of love, some for less noble reasons, and in this way, the stars really are like us  -- although only a Hollywood mom wears heels and a Mad Men-style sheath to take her kid to the park. Check out the video below.

 

 

 

A Teenage Adoptee from Cambodia Tells Her Story

Over at Huffington Post, a teenage girl adopted from Cambodia at the age of eight has shared her story of love, loss and healing. Lea S.'s father abandoned her,  her mother and her siblings. Soon after, her baby brother grew sick, and Lea's mother placed the boy for international adoption. After her mother's death, Lea lived with relatives, until her brother's adoptive parents unexpectedly found her and asked if she wanted to be adopted too. She did. Lea writes:

 

The first time I saw my new parents was in a hotel lobby. I told the translator that they had long noses. I didn’t know I was being rude; I just wasn’t used to seeing Caucasian people. I was really nervous around them. I think they were nervous too. I didn’t smile until we went to the hotel room and my new mom showed me the clothes she had brought me. My face lit up fast! We didn’t talk much because I didn’t know how to speak English, but she made flash cards with pictures to help us communicate.

The day we left Cambodia I was filled with emotions. I was eager, worried, upset, and confused because I didn’t know where we were going and I had never been on a plane before. All I remember about my trip was that I threw up for most of the 21-hour flight. It was like the plane was a gigantic sickening machine. It felt as though the trip would never end.

When we landed in the United States I was so ­happy. After we waited in a bunch of lines, we walked out of the airport. The air was a lot colder than in Cambodia. In the distance, I saw a strange man waving at us. He looked excited and happy. I ­also saw a little boy next to him. I knew immediately it was my brother. I didn’t act excited to see him ­because I was still feeling so sick from the plane, but I was really thrilled.

My new grandpa drove us to my new home. In the car I looked out the window and saw strange yet beautiful houses. I kept peeking at my brother. He was now three years old and looked so clean and healthy compared to the last time I had seen him. At that moment I knew that I was going to be happy again.

And that is where I am now. The nightmares have ended because of two wonderful people who adopted my brother Shane and me. Adjusting to life in the United States wasn’t easy, but getting adopted is the most beautiful feeling. Even though we are not related by blood, I knew from that first day that my dad and mom cared about me very much. They filled up all the holes in my heart.

Lea's story was originally published in the magazine Teen Ink.

Time Magazine Editorial: Kids' Movies Have Too Many Orphans!

illustration from Time.com

 

 

TV Critic Jeff Alexander has an opinion piece in Time this week that will have many adoptive parents nodding their heads knowingly. In "Children's Movies Have Too Many Orphans," he writes:

This year, I’ve had to have The Adoption Talk with  [my seven-year-old adopted son] Max after almost every film I’ve taken him to see, because they all had lead characters who were taken from their parents at an early age. Rapunzel in Tangled, Po in Kung Fu Panda 2 and Blu in Rio all grew up far away from their biological progenitors. The origin of Rango‘s title character is shrouded in mystery, but his love interest Beans is a card-carrying member of the Dead Dad Club. I’m glad Max is too young for Thor, in which one character’s belated discovery of his own adoption contributes to inter-dimensional catastrophe. By the time we came out of Puss in Boots last weekend, I didn’t even feel like discussing Puss’s fraught relationship with his human adoptive mother. And that’s not even mentioning last year’s Megamind (with the title character’s Superman-like escape from a planetary catastrophe that kills his parents) and Despicable Me (which we avoided entirely based on word-of-mouth from fellow adoptive parents).

For plenty of kids, stories about young people with dead, absent or galactically evil parents are a novelty, a look into a different life. For other kids, they can be a raw nerve. Most raw nerves are treated with some sensitivity, but not this one. And that’s why I’m going to think twice before going to see the upcoming and much-anticipated Hugo, about an 11-year old orphan in Paris who explores his father’s dark past. Even if it is directed by Martin Scorsese.

Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2011/11/04/childrens-movies-have-too-many-orphans/#ixzz1d3BuqRkl

    

    My own kids were disturbed by elements in Kung Fu Panda and Rio this year, though Tangled was no big deal. Parents, do you get tired of having to debrief the adoption themes in practically every movie your kids see? If you're an adopted person, how do you feel when an orphan storyline pops up unexpectedly?

New Film "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to Include Adoption from Ethiopia in Storyline?

Ethioforums.com is reporting that film crews for the upcoming movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting," starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez, have been spotted in Atlanta -- but some of the props are decidely Ethiopian:

Recently the movie, also starring Chris Rock, Chace Crawford and Anna Kendrick, took over Charlie Brown airport for some scenes.

Our on-set spy got us a few photos of the airport (officially called Fulton County Airport at Brown Field) on the day the filming took place there.

The scenes filmed there are set in Ethiopia. (Casting calls also have sought Ethiopian extras.) In one photo you’ll notice the airplane that is parked outside the airport says Trans Ethiopia.

Also, you’ll notice that the Ethiopian flag is flying outside the front of the airport (we’re assuming the camera angle will crop out the Fulton County Airport sign).

The movie, compared to “Love, Actually” for its ensemble format, follows a number of different couples who are becoming parents for the first time. (Someone’s adopting a baby from Ethiopia, it sounds like!)

The real question may be, What to Expect When Hollywood Covers International Adoption Onscreen? My guess is, not much.

Adoption, Guatemala, and the Tragedy of Two Families

 

I'm on vacation with family this week, so I'm a little late posting about the dramatic news out of Guatemala, where on July 29 a judge ordered that a Missouri couple return the girl they adopted four years ago. Loyda Rodriguez Morales of Guatemala believes the now 6-year-old child is the beloved daughter practically ripped from her arms by a kidnapper five years ago.

The Associated Press has reported on Morales heartbreaking five-year search for her daughter. The court ruling has given her hope and she is already decorating a bedroom in her home for her lost child. Meanwhile, the adoptive parents, identified in the court order as Timothy and Jennifer Monahan of Liberty, Missouri, have thus far maintained public silence, although independent journalist Erin Siegal sort of claims to have contacted Jennifer Monahan by phone; the woman who answered the phone at the Monahan home when she called would not give her name.

Adoption blogs are lighting up with emotion over the story. Adoption critics hail the court's ruling as a victory for ethics, though many skate over the toll a transfer will take out the child, focusing instead on the inevitable suffering that will result if the child learns her personal history  but is not returned. A few commenters here and there have tried to claim that the little girl is better off in the US, with access to education, economic security etc. That belief that "America is better" is objectionable for many reasons, including the fact that the Morales are a solidly middle class family more than able to provide for their child.

Many have attacked the adoptive parents as complicit somehow in the fraud. According to Erin Siegal and others, the child's adoption case was originally presented as a relinquishment, but then the DNA test for the child and the woman claiming to be her birth mother wasn't a match. The Monahans were apparently told about the failed DNA test, and encouraged by their adoption agency to give up on the baby. Instead, the Monahans opted to wait for the child to be declared legally abandoned and then resumed the adoption pursuit.

The Monahans decision to stay the course is being called selfish, unethical and worse. Why didn't they just walk away? Here's what adoption's most adamant critics can't understand: Walking away isn't easy, and hanging on isn't always about arrogant entitlement. The Monahans could've moved on to another baby after the failed DNA test, but perhaps they would've always wondered about that first little girl they left behind in an orphanage. Would the Monahans have imagined five years ago that there was any chance for the child to be reunited with her first family? Probably not. Walking away might have felt like abandonment of the child they'd claimed emotionally. Given what they knew in that moment, they might've thought they were doing the right thing. The moral thing. The loving thing. The picture is different now.

Of course I have no way of knowing what the Monahans were thinking, any more than their critics do. And here's what I DO know about international adoptions: kidnappings are rare, but they happen. After my husband and I adopted our three children, we took steps to verify that the stories we'd been told about their placement were true. Thankfully, they were, and because our kids were older at placement, we had the added peace of mind that our kids could tell us their stories themselves. We were lucky.

What happens now, what should happen now, is unclear. The Monahans have been given two months to respond by the court. The US State Department has yet to weigh in on what is sure to become an international incident with sweeping repurcussions. Personally, here's what I'd like to see happen: First,  a fresh DNA test. If there's a match, then let Loyda Morales and Jennifer Monahan sit together in a room and talk about finding what's best for the little girl they both love.

Russia and US Sign New Adoption Agreement

 

Russia and the United States signed a new adoption agreement this week after months of diplomatic discussion in the wake of the shocking Artyon Savelyev case, and other instances of abuse of Russian children at the hands of their American parents. According to Russia's RiaNovosti, the new regulations specify that:

• prospective adoptive parents must undergo psychological testing
• parents may only work with accredited adoption agencies vs. independent facilitators
• Russian children will mainain dual US/Russian citizenship until age 18, at which  time they may declare permanent citizenship in either country

In an interview with NPR, Associated Press reporter David Crary highlights changes coming from the Russian side as well:

They're undertaking to be more forthcoming with details about these children's medical and psychological problems these kids have. That has not happened in the past. There's been some cover ups, and deception and kind of over-rosy pictures of these kids. So we'll see how it plays out. There still could be trouble. But on paper, at least, there's going to be a more diligent effort to be forthcoming.

Crary also points out that the new agreement demands more oversight of Russian children in their adoptive homes. Adoption agencies will be charged with carrying out the regulations, with the US government "making sure that the adoption agencies live up to their commitments to be proactive." Exactly how these new mandates will be carried out remains to be seen.

 

 

Writer Jillian Lauren to Debut One-Woman Show in Hollywood

 

When I picked up Jillian Lauren's memoir SOME GIRLS in the bookstore last fall, I had no expectations. I love reading memoirs, and I'm trying to write one too, so I simply consume as many as I can. The book's subtitle, MY LIFE IN A HAREM, promised that Lauren would answer an unusual question: How does a nice young girl from New Jersey end up a courtesan in the harem of the Sultan of Brunei? Frankly, I was surprised that what I got from her book was much more: a moving, coming-of-age tale about family, identity, femininity, and guess what? Adoption.

Lauren was adopted domestically as an infant, and her complicated feelings around adoption, identity and family are woven throughout her story. SOME GIRLS offers a glimpse into the world of high-class prostitution, but far more compelling for me was the author's eventual journey of healing that encompassed reuniting with her birth mother and later adopting a son of her own from Ethiopia.

These days, Lauren writes and blogs about the challenges that come with the "happy ending" of marriage and motherhood. If you happen to live in the LA area, you can be among the first to check out her latest creative project, an upcoming  one-woman show  at The Steve Allen Theater in Hollywood July 12 and 13. MOTHER TONGUE is described as a:

"new multi-character performance piece about blood, tribe and identity...Lauren explores the quest for a sense of belonging amidst various and often fractured cultural influences."

 

Sounds like  MOTHER TONGUE should be just as provocative and honest as her book.

Bizarre GQ Article Labels Adoption "Middlebrow," Calls Adoptive Parents Human Hoarders

If you like P.F Chang's, Anderson Cooper, NPR, Trader Joe's and adoption, then your tastes are decidedly middlebrow, according to a strange and ridiculous article in the latest issue of GQ. Writer Devin Friedman notes:

 

People tend to hate the middlebrow because of its embarrassingly earnest desire to be liked, its scientific and successful approach to hitting people's pleasure buttons. It points out the obvious fact that you're not as much an individual as you'd like to think, that human beings are designed to like chocolate and potato chips and Jack Purcells.

Read More http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201106/middlebrow-culture#ixzz1QWjKB600

Okay, leaving aside the fact that I have no idea what Jack Purcells are, Friendman's light essay seems innocuous enough -- until he explains why adoption made his list of "The Middlebrow 50." 

There's nothing offensive about wanting to create a better world for a child. It's also not as noble as it seems. Ultimately, adoption, like all forms of parentage, is about narcissism. Stop being a human hoarder.

Read More http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/201106/50-most-middlebrow#ixzz1QWjvJrYo

When I read that, my response was definitely lowbrow:

WTF?!

 

 

 

The Nation Looks (Askance) at "The Evangelical Adoption Crusade"

The Nation has just released an article by Kathryn Joyce, "The Evanglical Adoption Crusade," that looks at the Christian adoption movement that has been building steadily for the past three to four years:

 

Adoption has long been the province of religious and secular agencies, but in the past two years evangelical advocacy has skyrocketed. In 2009 Russell Moore, dean of the School of Theology at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and author of the 2009 book Adopted for Life, shepherded through a Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) resolution calling on all 16 million members of the denomination to become involved in adoption or “orphan care.” Last year at least five evangelical adoption conferences were held, and between 1,000 and 2,000 churches participated in an “Orphan Sunday” event in November. And in February, the mammoth evangelical adoption agency Bethany Christian Services announced that its adoption placements had increased 13 percent since 2009, in large part because of the mobilization of churches.

 

As with previous coverage of international adoption in The Nation, the piece skews subtly negative, pointing out genuine causes for concern around the evengelical movement, yet at the same time minimizing the scope of the global orphan crisis and the genuine need for response. Writes Joyce:

 

the central problem [is ] in how most evangelical adoption ministries define the scope of the worldwide “orphan crisis.” As with the misleading estimates of Haitian orphans, the global numbers most frequently mentioned—ranging from 132 million to 210 million—paint an inaccurate picture, willfully misconstruing UNICEF tallies of developing nations’ vulnerable children, a category that includes children who have lost only one parent or who live with extended family.

Susan Bissell, UNICEF’s chief of child protection, says no good estimate exists of the number of orphans worldwide, but a 2004 UNICEF report calculated that there were at least 16 million children worldwide who had lost both parents.

 

It seems unfair to accuse the evengelicals of intentionally misusing statistics when the real problem is that reliable statistics don't exist. Both the pro- and anti-adoption factions are working with the same "numbers," interpreted differently. While the media needs to address the serious issues and concerns in the international adoption world, wouldn't it also be great to see a magazine do an investigative piece uncovering the reasons why the international community can't come up with reliable child welfare statistics?  

The article also paints a picture of the evangelical community primarily driven to acquire children for Western conversion, giving short shrift to the many Christian orphan care initiatives working toward in-country solutions and family preservation.

Finally, Joyce predicts that with fewer stable adoption programs currently operating and the increased "demand" for children to adopt coming from the evangelical community, future crises in the adoption world are a given.

How do you feel about the Christian "adoption movement," and what  do you think of The Nation's reporting?