Whatever Things Are True: the Good, the Bad and the Beautiful in the World of International Adoption

Time's Breastfeeding Mom is Also an Adoptive Mom

Of course she is.

 

Apparently the beautiful blonde Madonna nursing her (biological) toddler on this week's cover of Time is also the adoptive mother of an young Ethiopian son. Jamie Lynne Grumet, 26, is an attachment parenting advocate who also blogs about life in a transracial family at her blog, I Am Not the Babysitter. That provocative cover shot has so many people talking and kvetching that her site is crashing, but you can visit her blog's Facebook page here.

I'm sure Jamie Lynn is a lovely woman and great mother, but I'll confess, I groaned a few minutes ago when I heard she's also parenting transracially. I predict it won't be long before attacks about her adoption (entitlement) get stirred into the frenzy of criticism around that cover shot.

It will get ugly.

And then she will get a book deal.

UPDATE:

Time has posted a Q & A with Ms.Grumet. Here's what she has to say about breatfeeding her adopted Ethiopian son:

We were able to bring our son home in November 2010. I know so many amazing women who have induced their lactation, but I had milk [from feeding my biological son]. I had one of the easier situations as far as adoptive breast-feeding is concerned, but it was considered extended breast-feeding. And it was transracial. And he was adopted. I was ready for attack as soon as I posted one of the pictures [on my blog].

Being able to give him that [comfort] with the trauma that he faced was really, really important to me. But I didn’t realize how much it would help my attachment to him. When his English improved, because the connection was there, he didn’t do it as much. So now he’ll do it maybe once a month.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/05/10/q-a-with-jamie-lynne-grumet/#ixzz1uZnttnk5

 

 

Parenting: Race, Adoption, Prejudice and Loss -- Help!

 

Photo of Emily Yoffe from Slate

 

One of my favorite guilty pleasures is the Dear Prudence column at Slate, written by Emily Yoffe. I'm continually amazed at how many people write in seeking advice on adoption-related issues. Yoffe also holds weekly live chats with readers, and this week, a mother asked for help in responding to an attack from someone who doesn't approve of adoption:

 

Q. Absolutely Insane Adoption Confrontation: Anne and I have daughters enrolled in the same dance classes. We both often stay at the lessons and chat with other moms. But I've always gotten the impression that Anne doesn't like me. She never returns my greetings and often turns away from the conversation when I'm talking. Last week we were both walking to our cars, so I asked, "Anne, have I done something to offend you? I hope not, because I'd really enjoy getting to know you better." Anne turned to me and said, "I'm sorry, but I am against adoption. I believe buying children is ethically deplorable." She got in her car and drove off. I should now explain that I am white and my husband is black, so our daughter has darker skin than me. Since she's never met my husband, Anne assumed I adopted my daughter from Africa: I found her assumption to be DEEPLY offensive, because although my daughter is not adopted, I am. I'm pretty grossed out by Anne's judgment, but I don't know how to respond, or if I should even bother engaging such a narrow-minded person.

A random participant in the live chat suggested that the questioner tell Anne that her daughter is actually biracial.  Prudence disagreed, calling Anne a "worm" who should be avoided. You can read her complete response here.

 

Later on in the same live chat, a different reader posed a heartbreaking adoption question:

Q. Sharing Bad News: I have just returned from a trip to China to adopt a 9-month-old baby girl. Because we had a failed domestic adoption three years ago (birth parents changed their mind) we chose not to tell anyone except a few until we had her in our arms. We couldn't wait to tell our friends and co-workers. But when we arrived there, we were told our baby was hospitalized with what doctors initially thought was a trivial illness. Then she passed away four days later in the intensive care unit after we barely got to hug her. What kills me is that except for us and a few close family members, nobody even knows of our daughter's existence. I would like to tell everybody that we had a daughter, even for a few days, and that she was loved and cherished. Since we've never been in this situation before I am not quite sure how to spread the news. Should I write an email? Tell everyone in person? How should I do this and what can I say? Would it be appropriate to share a photo?

 

Prudence helpfully provided suggested wording for an email to friends. She also directed the reader to Share, an organization for pregnancy and infant loss support. While I'm sure the nice people at Share would try to help, there are no resources specific to adoption loss listed on their site. Though these situations are relatively rare, I have heard of several families who've suffered the death of a child just days after adoption. Unfortunately, it may be hard for some friends and family to grasp that the death of a newly adopted child is a significant loss, in the same way that some people tend to minimize loss through miscarriage. If any readers out there know of specific resources to support grieving adoptive families, please leave a comment below so we can help others in need find help.

 

 

Parenting: Teaching Children to Protect Themselves

 

photo from Huffington Post

 

Today I've got an essay over at Huffington Post Parents about the tragic death of Trayvon Martin. How do we teach our children to protect themselves in a racist world -- especially if we've never been the targets of racism ourselves? You can read it here:

My Son Could Be Trayvon Martin

Parenting: Talking with Kids About Racial Profiling

I've got a new post today over at Be Bold or Go Home, my blog about transracial parenting for Adoptive Families Circle, called Because They Need to Know. It's a response to the recent "babysitting while white" incident in Austin, Texas, where grandfather Scott Henson, who is white, was wrongfully detained by police as the supected kidnapper of his 5-year-old African American granddaughter, Ty, as they were walking home from an afternoon of roller skating at the local rec center:

 

I don't remember where we were -- maybe the grocery store -- when Gobez, my nine-year-old son, adopted from Ethiopia, started throwing punches at me, trying to stir up a pretend boxing match. He was in that wild rumpus kind of a mood that grips little boys from time to time, and wasn't listening to my warnings to stop. I felt myself edging toward panic. I'm 5'2" and about 128 pounds. Although only in fourth grade, my son is approaching 5'1" and carries 100 pounds of almost solid muscle. I felt scared, but not because I thought Gobez would hurt me; he wouldn't. I was afraid that someone in the store would not realize that we were mother and son. That someone would misinterpret what was happening between a black boy and a white woman and call the cops.

You can read the rest of the post here.

 

 

Celebrity Adoptive Parents and the PR Machine

 

You've heard the criticisms. Perhaps some of you out there have even made them: Celebrities adopt children from China and Africa as trendy accessories. They adopt because American kids aren't good enough. Or skinny screen goddesses adopt to preserve their perfect, surgically-enhanced figures. In fact, adoption is a rank expression of narcissism. And us regular folks who adopt internationally? We're guilty of it all, plus pathetically trying to be like Angelina.

Although I don't buy into the slurs, I have to confess, my favorite celebrity parents are the ones who keep their children out of the spotlight. For example, did you know that actor Ewan McGregor has an adopted daughter from Mongolia? Probably not. Then again, as famous as young Obi-Wan Kenobi may be, he can fly under the radar more easily than a mega-star parent like Madonna. You can't always tell who's being hounded by the paparazzi vs. who's courting them vs. whose kid isn't in the magazine because mom is no longer a hot tabloid commodity, but when I suspect that a celebrity is using her adopted child as a publicity ploy, it makes me uncomfortable on multiple levels. I don't like to feel judgmental about someone when I'm in no position to know the truth of their situation. I also don't want to see a child exploited, and more often than not, celebrity parenting stories just rub me the wrong way (even when they're not about adoption.)

Which brings me to actress Katherine Heigl. While I'm not a huge fan of her work, I love that she's one of those rare stars who speaks without a filter and frequently sticks her foot in her mouth. She may lean obnoxious at times, but she's always candid and never canned. She and her husband, singer-songwriter Josh Kelley, adopted their daughter Naleigh from South Korea in 2009. Heigl has been outspoken about the adoption, sharing that her wish to adopt a child was driven by the fact that her older sister, Meg, was also adopted from South Korea. Given that personal, lifelong connection to adoption, I've never had the sense that Heigl was milking her parenthood for publicity -- until I heard she and Kelley had opted to make their daughter the star of his latest music video.

I was prepared to hate the video for "Naleigh Moon" -- until I watched it. The song is a sweet homage to fatherhood, and suffused with love. In this brave new world of social media, where the Facebook timeline begins at birth, every parent, adoptive or not, is now forced to make tough choices about way they represent their children in media. I personally choose not to put my adopted children's images publicly on line; I think I would have made the same choice for biological children if I'd had them. Others feel differently. Some parents share out of love, some for less noble reasons, and in this way, the stars really are like us  -- although only a Hollywood mom wears heels and a Mad Men-style sheath to take her kid to the park. Check out the video below.

 

 

 

A Teenage Adoptee from Cambodia Tells Her Story

Over at Huffington Post, a teenage girl adopted from Cambodia at the age of eight has shared her story of love, loss and healing. Lea S.'s father abandoned her,  her mother and her siblings. Soon after, her baby brother grew sick, and Lea's mother placed the boy for international adoption. After her mother's death, Lea lived with relatives, until her brother's adoptive parents unexpectedly found her and asked if she wanted to be adopted too. She did. Lea writes:

 

The first time I saw my new parents was in a hotel lobby. I told the translator that they had long noses. I didn’t know I was being rude; I just wasn’t used to seeing Caucasian people. I was really nervous around them. I think they were nervous too. I didn’t smile until we went to the hotel room and my new mom showed me the clothes she had brought me. My face lit up fast! We didn’t talk much because I didn’t know how to speak English, but she made flash cards with pictures to help us communicate.

The day we left Cambodia I was filled with emotions. I was eager, worried, upset, and confused because I didn’t know where we were going and I had never been on a plane before. All I remember about my trip was that I threw up for most of the 21-hour flight. It was like the plane was a gigantic sickening machine. It felt as though the trip would never end.

When we landed in the United States I was so ­happy. After we waited in a bunch of lines, we walked out of the airport. The air was a lot colder than in Cambodia. In the distance, I saw a strange man waving at us. He looked excited and happy. I ­also saw a little boy next to him. I knew immediately it was my brother. I didn’t act excited to see him ­because I was still feeling so sick from the plane, but I was really thrilled.

My new grandpa drove us to my new home. In the car I looked out the window and saw strange yet beautiful houses. I kept peeking at my brother. He was now three years old and looked so clean and healthy compared to the last time I had seen him. At that moment I knew that I was going to be happy again.

And that is where I am now. The nightmares have ended because of two wonderful people who adopted my brother Shane and me. Adjusting to life in the United States wasn’t easy, but getting adopted is the most beautiful feeling. Even though we are not related by blood, I knew from that first day that my dad and mom cared about me very much. They filled up all the holes in my heart.

Lea's story was originally published in the magazine Teen Ink.

Troubled by Adoption Tragedies, Part 1

 

I've been struggling for days, tying to figure out how to talk about the death of 13-year-old Hanna Williams.

This beautiful little girl and her younger brother came to the United States from Ethiopia in 2008 as the newly adopted children of Carri and Larry Williams. Now the Washington state couple, who also  have six biological children, have been charged with Hanna's death in a case of murder by abuse. Their surviving children have been removed from the home. News Channel 8 of Portland posted the probably cause affadavit online; I read it after dinner one night last week and then couldn't sleep.

Hanna died of starvation and hypothermia after being forced outside on a cold spring night, but she suffered at the hands of the Williams for years. She slept in a dark closet. She wasn't permitted to use the family's indoor bathrooms, but was forced to use an outhouse. She was beaten daily. Her hair was cut off. She was starved.

Carri Williams apparently told neighbors and friends that she didn't like Hanna, and couldn't stand to look at her "grumpy face," but claimed she loved the girl because it was her duty as a Christian. Friends suggested Williams consider finding a new home for Hanna and her brother, but she rejected the idea, claiming no one else would want such "awful" children.

The Williams apparently culled many of their "discipline techniques" from the controversial book To Train Up a Child, which some Amazon reviewers describe as a "manual of child abuse." The book's authors, evangelists Michael and Debi Pearl,  run an enterprise known as No Greater Joy Ministries. Hanna's death is not the first to be linked to their methods.

Hanna's murder is inherently sad and disgusting, but I think my despair is deepened by issues of concern around adoption that I can't really articulate. Most of the adoptive parents I know are thoughtful, caring and committed individuals who nurture their children beautifully. I feel lucky to know them. But every now and then I see or hear something in real life that makes me cringe -- like the divorcing couple who agree that neither of them wants their adopted child. The internationally adopted siblings who land in foster care after their new dad molests them. The email I receive from a friend asking if I can help find a new home for a couple of Ethiopian sisters whose adoption isn't working out. Hanna Williams' death falls at the extreme end of a troubling continuum of adoption tragedies that are weighing on my heart.

In my next post, I'll discuss what changes need to happen in the adoption world to better protect children like Hanna -- and what each of us needs to do.

New Film "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to Include Adoption from Ethiopia in Storyline?

Ethioforums.com is reporting that film crews for the upcoming movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting," starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez, have been spotted in Atlanta -- but some of the props are decidely Ethiopian:

Recently the movie, also starring Chris Rock, Chace Crawford and Anna Kendrick, took over Charlie Brown airport for some scenes.

Our on-set spy got us a few photos of the airport (officially called Fulton County Airport at Brown Field) on the day the filming took place there.

The scenes filmed there are set in Ethiopia. (Casting calls also have sought Ethiopian extras.) In one photo you’ll notice the airplane that is parked outside the airport says Trans Ethiopia.

Also, you’ll notice that the Ethiopian flag is flying outside the front of the airport (we’re assuming the camera angle will crop out the Fulton County Airport sign).

The movie, compared to “Love, Actually” for its ensemble format, follows a number of different couples who are becoming parents for the first time. (Someone’s adopting a baby from Ethiopia, it sounds like!)

The real question may be, What to Expect When Hollywood Covers International Adoption Onscreen? My guess is, not much.

State Department Confirms Orphanage Closures in Ethiopia

The adoption situation in Ethiopia looks grim.

On August 3, the State Department issued a notice confirming multiple orphanage closures. I've posted the entire statement below.

A few weeks ago, I heard about the closure of one orphanage in Hosanna from multiple sources, including a contact in Ethiopia. That alone appeared to be a sign of challenges in the program. A friend also reported that emerging evidence of ethical failures had prompted a large US adoption agency to quietly fire staff, both in the US and in Ethiopia. I considered posting about this earlier, but having no way to verify the reports, I decided not to pass on rumors. Despite the bad news coming my way, I had no indication such widespread closures were on the horizon. Clearly, the Ethiopian government is deeply concerned about child trafficking and other ethical irregularities. 

Families considering adoption from Ethiopia who haven't yet committed to the program should proceed with caution.

From the State Department:

Ethiopian government officials have confirmed that several orphanages in the Southern Nations state are closed due to revocation of their licenses to operate by Ethiopian authorities. 

These orphanages are:

• SOS Infants Ethiopia (Arbaminch, Dilla, and Awassa branches)
• Gelgella Integrated Orphans (Tercha and Durame branches)
• Bethzatha Children’s Home Association (Sodo, Hosaena, Dilla, and Awassa branches)
• Ethio Vision Development and Charities (Dilla branch)
• Special Mission for Community Based Development (Hosaena branch)
• Enat Alem Orphanage (Awassa branch)
• Initiative Ethiopia Child and Family Support (Awassa branch)
• Resurrection Orphanage (Hosaena branch)

According to officials in the Charities and Societies Agency office, which oversees the licensing and regulation of orphanages in Ethiopia, the children in the care of those facilities have already been transferred to other orphanages. 

Ethiopian officials indicate that cases involving orphaned children from these facilities that are already pending with the Federal First Instance court will continue to move forward.  The U.S. Embassy in Addis Ababa is working closely with Ethiopian officials to determine if children from these facilities who were previously referred for adoption or matched with prospective adoptive parents will be allowed to continue in the adoption process.  MOWCYA officials have confirmed that the affected children’s case files are currently being reviewed, a process that is expected to last at least one month.

We continue to ask prospective adoptive parents and agencies that hear news of specific closures to inform the Department.  Please send any specific information regarding orphanage closures to AskCI@state.gov with the subject line “Ethiopia Orphanage Closures.”

Prospective and adoptive parents are encouraged to remain in contact with their adoption service provider to stay up-to-date on any information pertinent to their individual case.  The Department will post confirmed information on www.adoption.state.gov as we receive it.

Country Specific Alerts and Notices | Intercountry Adoption.

Upcoming Documentary, "Dark Girls," Looks Like a Must See for Parents of African Children

Have you heard about the new documentary "Dark Girls" yet? The film, directed by Bill Duke and D. Chansinn Berry,  is set to premier at Nashville's  International Black Film Festival in October. "Dark Girls" asks a question that verges on the taboo: "Is life different for women who are darker than most?"

As the adoptive mother of a "dark girl" from Ethiopia, that grabbed my attention. Based on the trailer, it's clear that the answer is a heartbreaking yes. The clip reveals the color-ism that persists within the Black community; it's unclear if the film will also describe dark-skinned women experiencing negative reactions from  whites and other non-African groups with respect to their color. In the trailer, one woman sadly mentions that whites often tell her she has beautiful skin, but that she feels rejected by her "own people."